4 Questions To Ask To Help Strengthen Your Relationship
Romantic relationships can create a valuable opportunity for happiness, love and personal development. One of the keys to achieving these things, is for both partners to be commit to examining the role they play in the relationship dynamics.
If you are ready to learn more about the part you are playing in your relationship, take some time to honestly reflect on the following four questions.
1. Am I taking responsibility for my own happiness?
This is a big one. While Hollywood screen writers would have us believe that finding the right person can make us happy and even complete us, research actually shows that the opposite is true - having a solid sense of happiness and well-being not only increases your odds of having a relationship, it also leads to more satisfying relationships.
Is your partner responsible for making you happy? If your answer is yes, understand the weak position you are putting yourself in; by making your sense of well-being dependent on the whims of someone else. In taking responsibility for your happiness you gain power over it, thus, equipping you to live a joy filled life.
2. Do I strive to see my partner in a positive light?
A line of research (Pygmalion Effect) has shown people tend to rise to the expectation you have of them. For example, when teachers and bosses were told that particular individuals (who were picked at random) were talented or gifted, those people tended to thrive relative to their peers.
So, what does this have to do with relationships? The researchers found that the identified individuals were actually flourishing because the teachers and bosses were being more patient, taking more time with them, and investing more in their learning, based on their increased expectations of the other person's potential. In other words, they were showing up differently and behaving more supportively when they thought the student or employee had something special.
To apply this to your relationship, think about the expectations you have of your partner, and whether you look at him or her in a positive light. Then, reflect on how those expectations affect how you interact with him or her. Are there changes you could make to better cultivate the relationship? Commit to bringing your best self to the table as a partner, and see what happens.
3. Do I disengage in my relationship?
Recent research has shown that mind-reading and withdrawal are two forms of disengagement that can interfere with relationships. Expecting your partner to be a mind-reader gets in the way of solving conflicts, as important concerns may never get addressed, leading to unresolved anger and resentment. Further, the researchers argued that withdrawing (or shutting down) during conflict is even more harmful for relationships because it creates distance. If you find yourself withdrawing or expecting your partner to be a mind-reader, work to develop more constructive communication skills. This will allow important issues to get on the table and increase the odds that you can work things out.
4. What is my ratio of positive to negative interactions with my partner?
John Gottman, a renowned couples therapist, has consistently found in his research that the most stable and happy couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.
All couples experience conflict at one time or another. Furthermore, Gottman points out that "negative" interactions can actually be beneficial, as couples bring about resolutions and understanding of one another. However, being positive and supportive (even during conflicts) is critically important for the relationship to thrive.
Take stock of your relationship and notice if your interactions are much more positive than negative. If there is some room for improvement, decide along with your partner, to be intentional about increasing acts of positivity, kindness and compassion.
If you are ready to learn more about the part you are playing in your relationship, take some time to honestly reflect on the following four questions.
1. Am I taking responsibility for my own happiness?
This is a big one. While Hollywood screen writers would have us believe that finding the right person can make us happy and even complete us, research actually shows that the opposite is true - having a solid sense of happiness and well-being not only increases your odds of having a relationship, it also leads to more satisfying relationships.
Is your partner responsible for making you happy? If your answer is yes, understand the weak position you are putting yourself in; by making your sense of well-being dependent on the whims of someone else. In taking responsibility for your happiness you gain power over it, thus, equipping you to live a joy filled life.
2. Do I strive to see my partner in a positive light?
A line of research (Pygmalion Effect) has shown people tend to rise to the expectation you have of them. For example, when teachers and bosses were told that particular individuals (who were picked at random) were talented or gifted, those people tended to thrive relative to their peers.
So, what does this have to do with relationships? The researchers found that the identified individuals were actually flourishing because the teachers and bosses were being more patient, taking more time with them, and investing more in their learning, based on their increased expectations of the other person's potential. In other words, they were showing up differently and behaving more supportively when they thought the student or employee had something special.
To apply this to your relationship, think about the expectations you have of your partner, and whether you look at him or her in a positive light. Then, reflect on how those expectations affect how you interact with him or her. Are there changes you could make to better cultivate the relationship? Commit to bringing your best self to the table as a partner, and see what happens.
3. Do I disengage in my relationship?
Recent research has shown that mind-reading and withdrawal are two forms of disengagement that can interfere with relationships. Expecting your partner to be a mind-reader gets in the way of solving conflicts, as important concerns may never get addressed, leading to unresolved anger and resentment. Further, the researchers argued that withdrawing (or shutting down) during conflict is even more harmful for relationships because it creates distance. If you find yourself withdrawing or expecting your partner to be a mind-reader, work to develop more constructive communication skills. This will allow important issues to get on the table and increase the odds that you can work things out.
4. What is my ratio of positive to negative interactions with my partner?
John Gottman, a renowned couples therapist, has consistently found in his research that the most stable and happy couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.
All couples experience conflict at one time or another. Furthermore, Gottman points out that "negative" interactions can actually be beneficial, as couples bring about resolutions and understanding of one another. However, being positive and supportive (even during conflicts) is critically important for the relationship to thrive.
Take stock of your relationship and notice if your interactions are much more positive than negative. If there is some room for improvement, decide along with your partner, to be intentional about increasing acts of positivity, kindness and compassion.
